No one likes to be hurt in relationships. It’s disappointing, painful, and overwhelming. It can feel rejecting, isolating, and confusing. And yet, it happens. Part of being in relationships is getting hurt. (I know, this is not a fun thing to think about. But it’s true and important, so we are talking about it.)
Know that when I talk about “relationships,” I am referring to all kinds of relationships, not just romantic ones. Relationships with neighbors, friends, parents, bosses, siblings, coworkers, children, and in-laws. Relationships involve two, imperfect human beings, which means we sometimes let one another down. This hurt and disappointment is often, though not always, followed by an apology, an admission of wrongdoing, or an acknowledgement of what the person did and how it was hurtful.
Apologies can take the form of “I’m sorry, I didn’t mean to hurt you” or “I realize what I did was wrong.” They can be an explanation of intent, such as, “I didn’t want to take sides between you and your sister” or “I was trying to make you understand what I was saying.” Apologies can be vulnerable, half-hearted, or somewhere in-between, and they vary widely in their delivery method. Yet as widely as apologies can differ, we seem to have one, over-used, go-to response to these apologies. “It’s ok.”
Your partner says they are sorry for not thinking through how their actions would impact you. “It’s ok.”
Your coworker apologizes for being overly harsh and critical of your idea in the team meeting. “It’s ok.”
Your sibling apologizes for not helping with your parent’s healthcare in a time of crisis. “It’s ok.”
Your child says they are sorry for hitting a classmate at school. “It’s ok.”
Your friend apologizes for gossiping about you with a shared acquaintance. “It’s ok.”
“It’s ok.”
I am not such a big fan of this response. “It’s ok,” seems to imply that all is right and all is forgiven. “It’s ok,” is often dismissive of the hurt and minimizing of the impact. “It’s ok,” sounds overly simplistic for a likely complex hurt. “It’s ok,” often leads us to absorb quite a bit of hurt and resentment, which will likely show up at a later date in the relationship.
Here are three, additional ways to respond to apologies, besides, “It’s ok.”
“I appreciate your apology.” This is a way to convey warmth and gratitude for the apology, while still honoring the emotional impact the hurt had. This response often captures that you can see that the apology may have been difficult for the other person, and you want to show appreciation for their vulnerability and ownership of their role in the hurt.
“I hear you.” This communicates that you literally heard the apology and are taking it in. This is often helpful in times when you are skeptical of the apology or not ready to let your guard down enough to engage in a deeper discussion. I don’t use this response often, but when I can’t use one of the other options included in this list, I lean on, “I hear you.”
“I accept your apology.” This takes the previous two statements a step further, moving beyond recognition, communicating a heartfelt reception and integration of the apology. When I want to convey that I’m ready to move past the hurt in a meaningful way, I lean on this response.
This is not to say that you can’t ever say, “It’s ok.” You totally can. However, I reserve the, “It’s ok,” response for times when I am truly, 99% unimpacted by the other person’s actions. “I’m sorry I forgot to text back; I’m sorry I am late; I’m sorry I bumped into you; I’m sorry I forgot to return the book you loaned me.” These actions don’t typically impact me in a deep way, so a short and casual response feels appropriate.
Hurt is a natural part of relationships, and while we hope to minimize the occurrence of this pain, it does happen. How we respond in these moments of pain and hurt are critical, and responding to apologies offers us an amazing opportunity to be intentional, reducing the amount of hurt and resentment that we hang onto in relationships, leading to healthier and more long-lasting relationships.
So what do you think; will you give it a go? Will you challenge yourself to respond to apologies in a more intentional and meaningful way?
I really love this concept! I just had a situation at work where a coworker was VERY rude to me in front of a number of other teachers. I did tell her that she “didn’t need to be so rude”, she then made a joke and claimed to be kidding. The next day she apologized and I said it was okay, but truly it wasn’t. My view of her is completely different and I feel it would have been more honest to respond in a different way. I will definitely be keeping these gems in my mind for next time! Thanks Dr. Allison
Erin,
Thanks so much for your comment! This is a GREAT example of why it is so important to respond differently than “It’s ok” when someone hurts us. Kudos for being mindful of how this experience impacted you; that is the first step to doing something differently in the future! Keep it up!
Perfect, Many thanks.
I was watching the most recent episode of “Madam Secretary” and the lead character apologized to her husband twice and both times he replied “It’s OK”. I immediately recalled this article and felt the situations warranted other responses. Thanks for a very important and relevant message.
I too had an email apology after a rude comment by a coworker. At least he sent it to all present people at the meeting but I did not feel like saying it is OK. I also did not want to dwell on what I might have done wrong or how this hurt me, … Your suggestions are good. I will choose the I appreciate the apology which is what I feel.
Thanks for this thread. Really helpful.
I want to know how to forgive manager when he says sorry
Thank you for your article, it is very helpful in my situation. Today one colleague spoke to me in a very disrespectful way in front of a lot of people, which left us speechless. I left the office shortly after; and about one hour later she apologised by email. I did not want to respond “it’s ok” as I did not want to minimise the damage done. But since English is my second language I was not sure what was the most appropriate response, so I searched “how to respond to apology” and found your article. I am grateful for it. I will use “I appreciate your apology” in this instance. Thank you very much.
Having just received “I appreciate the apology,” it did NOT FEEL warm and gracious. I found this page by doing a google search for that response to an apology to get light on what they actually meant.
I, too, have been on the receiving end of that response, and what has made the difference is the TONE. A cold, flat, “I appreciate the apology,” feels much different than a more gentle and thoughtful, “I appreciate your apology.” Thanks for the feedback!
I recently apologized by email to a colleague for taking slightly longer than I would have liked to respond to her email (hours versus minutes) – a fairly minor failure to perform that I nonetheless felt compelled to cop to just in case she was feeling poorly treated.
I did not receive a response of any kind, let alone an “it’s OK”.
Am I justified in being annoyed at this nonresponse? My intent was to demonstrate thoughtfulness and build our working relationship. I frankly interpret her silence as ingratitude and a rejection of my overture.
Is there a social “requirement” to respond to an apology, at least in the instance I’ve described?
David,
No doubt, it is confusing when we apologize and don’t receive a response or acknowledgement. It often leads us to all sorts of interpreting, guessing why, etc. And while her silence might have been a rejection of your apology, it could have also been due to several other things. Perhaps she didn’t think the “delay” deserved an apology, so she didn’t even think to respond, as it was no biggie to her. Perhaps she was in a rush and just read through the email quickly. Maybe she had planned to bump into you later and talk with you in person and then she totally forgot. As humans, we often try to interpret the behavior of others, and often our interpretations are skewed or slightly off base. So while you may be correct in your initial hypothesis, her lack of response could have meant a handful of other, less negative, things. I hope that is helpful; thanks for your comment!
Thanks, Dr. Allison. It’s easy to jump to the most negative conclusion.
It sure is. Funny how we humans are pretty good at that! 🙂
When an incident has gone to HR and the employee has apologized should I create an email acknowledging this apology?
That’s a great question; thanks for asking! Of course, each and every situation has it’s own circumstances and details, but I think in general, when an issue has gone to HR, documentation is important. I also think it is important to remember that documentation and a genuine, healthy response to an apology can go hand in hand. So while you may be documenting for HR purposes, you can also use one of the responses I mentioned, if it feels appropriate. This is often a helpful way to acknowledge the apology without getting into too much detail. I hope that’s helpful!
i love what you have completed here. keep up the great writing!
Thank you; glad you you enjoyed it!
Great post! Have nice day ! 🙂 jyz0t
Great post..!!
Very clear description..
Thank you.
Keep spirit to write.
Thanks; I’m glad you found it helpful!
🙂 hello guys and gals
Am nibi
Its a fact ,some people tend to repeat mistakes and take you for granted.Now it becomes entirely serious,to balance the equation of good bad behaviour.That only happens once the one who repeats mistakes,apologize.After the apology , one has power to forgo,forgive or forget.But the question is How to forgo,how to forgive how ro forget?The answer is ,and I agree to Dr Allison Dear Article, that the reply be, appropiate and well deserving. So that ,the other side understand that she,he,needs to correct her his behaviour or else her or his next apology will not be accepted.
In other words we all.must be fare to ourselves and not just help being nice to others.As than others start to think you are too good and that is why they should also expect you to be kind and forgive.
I add one more comment to reply an apology.
” I hope you mean it and will be careful next time”
thankyou Allison for your effort ful articile and great comments from all people here
Hey to all .:)
THIS is what I needed, thank you
You’re so welcome! I’m glad it was so helpful!
Hi, Dr. Allison! I have a dilemma in that I just don’t know how to respond because of the mixed way the acceptance of my apology left me feeling. As a favor to my friend I have been listing items on eBay that belonged to her deceased mother to whom she was very close and lost this past April. I’ve always been loving and sensitive, supportive and understanding. But I erred, embarrassingly so. The following are the two exchanges, if I may:
ME: Hello Dear!
I understand you and Jolie are back home now and hopefully everything went okay…Jolie posted some great pics!
Cheri, I have been concerned since our last text because evidently I hurt your feelings when asking about one of your mother’s Christmas items to be listed on eBay…please know that’s absolutely the last thing intended; in fact, I was carrying on in such a way that I hoped to make you laugh or at least smile. But when you replied “ouch,” then didn’t respond to my further texts, I realized I had just been an ass instead of a clown.
I know this is a very, very difficult time for you because all first holidays after a loss are rough…and that’s under normal circumstances, which yours certainly are not. I ask for your forgiveness for my assholiness. Please know that you are my best friend and I would never, ever intentionally be insensitive…it breaks my heart to think I’ve upset you in any way. I’m so sorry.
Love and hugs
HER: Thank you for the accountability and apology. Yes, you are a funny woman, but this time, the timing and content were off. You knew Christmas was my mom’s most favorite holiday, and going through her holiday stuff was not easy, and not possible to keep all of it and incorporate it, so I had to part with a lot, with all the stuff having memories and sentiment. The angel you spoke of can be used in many ways, but since my mom moved to IL she used it as her tree topper and the candle on the angel shined one light, and mom would keep it on overnight as a night light. She loved the primitive simple nature of it and not something glitzy…so yes, your comment stung.
When we exchanged those texts on Fri, I was at a college football game, and needed to turn my attention back to Ken, Jolie, Amber and regain my composure. You initially did not hear further from me as I needed a little time, we were very busy and then Gloria took a dive (a lot of abdominal pain and a fever.). Since returning, Jolie and I have been swamped.
I do forgive you, I do love you in spite of your relational misstep and lapse of sensitivity to what you were poking fun at.
C.
Why would this upset me…I don’t understand why I’m feeling this way instead of just being grateful she says she accepted my apology and does love me?
Thank you!
Great question, Kitra! First of all, I think your apology was GREAT. We all make mistakes and screw up; you’re human. Recognizing the impact of our mistakes and communicating that is powerful, and I thought you did that nicely. I also thought your friend did a pretty nice job at responding, especially during a difficult time for her. So why don’t you feel better or grateful that she accepted your apology? Here’s my thought: Because you still hurt someone you care about deeply. You didn’t mean to or intend to, but you did. And that sucks to hurt or disappoint someone we care about. Even when they accept our apology, it doesn’t immediately erase or repair things. And I think as humans, we want instant results. Because the discomfort of sitting with our mistakes sucks. We just want it to be all better! But this may take some time, no matter how heartfelt your apology and no matter how sincere their acceptance. You’ve both started the healing process. And it may take some time and feel a little uncomfortable for a bit. But you’ve started that repair process, and that’s a great sign. I hope that’s helpful! Thanks for reading and commenting!
I’ve been saying this my whole life. Often followed by me taking the blame for whatever happened. I’ve just realized I need to explain the long term consequences of this to my daughter.
Awareness is the first step! Kudos to you and your decision to help your daughter do this differently!
Is it ok to disregard the apology? I was replied to after 28 hours and told sorry for the late reply but I’ve been really busy and had hectic schedule today. I was dismissive of the apology didn’t address it at all and instead said Have a good weekend and take care 🙂
Mariah,
Of course, there are lots of different ways to respond, and they each send a subtle message of their own!
I am here to understand what should i reply to a apology from a very close person in my life my husband. He actually is being really busy lately that just couldn’t give me enough we are leaving away from each other due to some work commitments. Now he texted me “i know i don’t give you enough time but i miss you & love you from ghe bottom of my heart” and he is the person whom i can trust blindly, so i know he is being honest. But right now i want to respond in such a way that gives him a message that i know this but still i needs more action to prove that. Help me Dr. Allison
Great questions, and I think you two are off to a good start in terms of communicating that. I think you can say almost exactly what you said in your comment to me. Something along the lines of…I appreciate you recognizing that I need more. You are right, I do, because our relationship means to much. I appreciate you acknowledging this, and I am looking forward to he actions that work to change this… Something that conveys you heard and appreciate his statement AND want to see the action to back it up. I hope that’s helpful! Thanks for reading!
Another reply similar to the “I appreciate your apology.” is a simple “Thank you.”
” I appreciate your apology, and am open to connecting”. was her response when i apologized by text(not a great format for an apology, but the only opening i had) for my part in a misunderstanding. but now i have some hurt about being blamed and judged and the passive aggressive and abusive behavior that resulted from that exchange. i do not know whether to just say….”good to know” or what? i can tell from her response to my apology she is not looking at her part in the misunderstanding, or the passive aggressive behavior that followed….i do feel i need to acknowledge her willingness to risk back in, but now i am very wary….
who is best?
sorry and it’s okk.
How do you respond when they haven’t left an explanation for why they are sorry? I feel like the simple response would be just “Why are you sorry?”, but I worry about coming across as confrontational.
That can be tough, because a part of you wants to make sure the apology feels genuine, but you’re right, you don’t want to seem confrontation. I think tone of voice and nonverbals are important here, and I might try gently saying, “What do you mean?” This might prompt the person to provide a little more context/explanation for their apology. It’s a tricky situation, but I think with a gentle tone, that might help. Thanks for reading and commenting!
I would like to ask if it is the right thing to do, having received an email asking for forgiveness from my ex that left the relationship. The mail content reads : one valuable lesson I have learnt is that its never too late to apologize when you realize you hurt someone. In the past year, I have had the opportunity to truly reflect on what happened between us and concluded that you did not deserve how I treated you, but regardless things could have been handled differently by both parties most especially me.
I am writing this to ask for your forgiveness for everything that happened, I pray that you find it in your heart to forgive me . As stated, all I want forgiveness and peace, nothing else. Do I need to reply?
Kindly check if my reply is okay :
Trust this mail meets you well.
I hereby acknowledge that I have read your email dated 10/10/2018.
Also, my apologies for the late reply.
Nevertheless, the forgiveness requested and the apology was accepted and Be at Peace with yourself.
Regards,
It’s short, sweet, and to the point. It’s not overly warm or friendly, and sometimes, given the situation that occurred, that’s both important and okay.
PS: I think you can delete the part of about the late reply. I don’t think you need to apologize for that, given the situation.
Kudos to you for managing such a difficult situation with intention and thoughtfulness!
I have a trigger, when I sincerely apologize or admit error, this has happened please forgive me n “ your good” is the standard reply with a toned it all but negates my apology as if feels judgmental statements , condescending
How do you reply to an apology that was done by email and the person (my sister) used passive aggressive behavior with me but she is really not aware that her behavior was passive aggressive. This is now the 2nd time I have encountered such behavior with her, the 1st time she did not apologize and this is now the 2nd time. I don’t know how to respond.
Thank you so much for this post. I usually reply with an “it’s ok” regardless of the magnitude of the displeasure I was caused. It is “not ok” to let oneself. Your post gave me a better way to frame my response that is respectful to the other person and myself.
Awesome
A work colleague has continually harassed me for 4 months, she has assaulted me on 2 occasions and is now being made to apologize to me to keep her job. I don’t want to accept her apology as I know she’s only doing it to stay employed. How do I respond without seeming petty.
A professional peppered me with condescending and disrespectful questions, interrupted when I attempted to reply calmly. This continued into belittling the decision I had made and all of this in front of other staff members and the public. When I answered I was respectful and precise. This individual was still in a tirade against two others when I left the situation. I informed my supervisor and was directed to formally document this incident. This document was I believe allowed to be read by the individual in question or at least read to them. Also told by superiors to apologize, it has not yet been done (almost a month). I have been advised by my supervisor that this individual was told to apologize. I feel as this apology is not sincere and I am supposed to accept it because it is the polite thing to do and mend the rift in two different sections. I do not want to accept the apology because it is forced and this person has displayed other misogynistic behaviors towards me and others since this incident (which have also been documented). Would the best response, when this apology finally does happen, be ‘I hear you’ and nothing else? I don’t accept it because it’s not sincere, has continued with similar behavior and forced by superiors. Any suggestions?
How about respond like; I accept your apology this time
Forgiving my cheating husband was the hardest thing I’ve done after a 5yrs marriage.There was lots of issues and blame that he admitted to over time,getting my husband to admit that he cheated was the very best thing I’ve ever done for myself.All thanks to ‘hackingloop6@ gmail . c o m’ for their investigative and hacking service that helped me gain access to all my husband’s phone activities remotely.To discover that you’ve been in a marriage where you are truly not considered to be an equal and realize that you have done all the work maintaining the relationship because it’s not a priority to your partner is heartbreaking. Forgiveness has happened on both sides and today we have a good relationship for the sake of our kids.Gaining access to his phone really helped me confront him with the proof that made him stop and had a regret for all the pains he caused the family.