What if I told you that you two, tiny words are slowly killing your relationship? I know, it’s a bold statement. But it’s totally true. Once you learn these words, you’ll realize how often you use them and just how dangerous they can be. Watch the video to learn more!
Remember, your thoughts and words create your reality. The little voice in your head, that’s constantly thinking, analyzing, and assessing? It’s more powerful than you realize. But remember, your thoughts are not always the truth.
When you say, “You never do this,” or “I always do that,” you are distorting the truth. Your inaccurate perception is changing your reality.
Let me give you an example. One of my sticking points in my own relationship is a shared responsibility of household duties. I want Matt and I to split chores, errands, and tasks. I saw this modeled in my own family, and it’s something I want to make sure Matt and I model for our children someday. So I have a habit of getting a little, ahem, sensitive, when I feel like things aren’t being done in a equitable way.
So it’s not unusual for me to be meal prepping or organizing something before I start bent out of shape. I think, wait a minute, I’ve made three of the meals this week. I ran to the bank yesterday. I called our contractor. I’m always the one doing this kind of stuff. Matt never helps out. And before you know it, my little brain is off and running, creating an alternate reality of what really happens in our house.
Because you know what? I don’t always do everything. Matt does a ton. And when I zoom out and challenge myself to look at this issue accurately, it’s pretty obvious. In that moment , I can list off ten things Matt has done that week. Three tasks that I’ve had no part in. Two chores he did without me even knowing. So that thought, “I always do the household tasks; he never helps”? Yeah, it’s inaccurate. And without realizing it, it changes my reality.
So my challenge to you is this. Watch how often you say “always” and “never.” Ask yourself, is that statement true? When I look at the facts, honestly, is it accurate? If not, revise your statement.
“You always get defensive.” Really, he gets defensive 100 percent of the time? Always, without fail? I doubt that. Revise your statement. “When I bring this up, you often get defensive.”
“You never tell me anything.” Seriously, is that accurate? Never. Hard to believe. Surely, they tell you some things. Create a more accurate statement. “I wish you told me more about your day.”
By changing “always” and “never” to more accurate terms, you reduce tension and defensiveness. You challenge yourself to see things as they are, creating a more accurate picture of your relationship. You increase the likelihood that you and your partner can have a healthy dialogue.
Your words and thoughts matter. You have the power to create more balanced thoughts, choosing a more accurate reality. So watch out for always and never. They’re sneakier than you think.
PS: Did you enjoy this post? Then, don’t miss this one: Why You’re Frustrated and What You Can Do About It.